Chez Kelly (www.chezkelly.eu) is a Chateau owned by our two friends, Keld and Brendan. They run a very upmarket Guest House business in what is also their home. There are splendid views of the great river Garonne. The Chateau is beautifully appointed with many facilities including a large swimming pool and tennis court, set in rolling parkland and gardens flowing down to the canal, where a small pontoon provides guests with the possibility of a boat trip on one of the most beautiful sections of the Canal Lateral a la Garonne. Guests are offered bed and breakfast and free use of all these facilities but other meals are only provided if specially arranged.
The proprietors involve themselves very much with each of their guests and when a family wants a river trip, with dinner provided on board, we are asked if we'd like to provide such an experience. We jump at the chance. This is where the story really starts.
We welcome three of their guests aboard with an aperitif on the "poop deck". Lucie has everything ready.
The table is beautifully laid for three.
The menu is well researched and even includes dishes for one vegetarian. At 7pm my role as "Captain" comes into force and with my captain's hat on, I take charge and we cast off from the pontoon and, with a "toot" on our horn, proceed in the direction of Bordeaux with the intention of turning round at the village of Hure. This is a trip of 4 kilometres. Dinner is to be served on the return journey starting at about 7.50pm. It's a beautiful trip and a beautiful evening.
A beautiful trip...Yes. this canal is as wide as we are long and sometimes it can prove to be ones undoing......
Upon reaching Hure earlier than we expected, I take a unilateral decision to extend the trip further in the same direction. Our guests seem to be enjoying themselves, so why not? My rather vague plan is to find a turning point somewhere close to the lock and further downstream of the village. But being 60 feet in length (18 metres), "Body and Soul" needs at least this amount of space within which to turn. The canal, for the most part, is too narrow but there are usually plenty of places where one can nudge one's bow into the soft grass slopes in order to turn. So I take what I consider to be a minor risk with some confidence - misplaced as I am soon to find out.
Baked feta, garlic, cayenne, peppers, oil - first course.
We sail past the agreed turning point at Hure on our way to the lock with no doubts about the success of this dinner trip. Things are going splendidly. Everybody is happy. We dream of making this into a small business say twice a week? - with a reasonable charge - to supplement our state pension - we have visions of wealth and glory untold.
Readers will doubtless guess the rest of the story. There are no turning points for barges of our length after Hure until one has gone through the lock. A distance of perhaps one kilometre. In fact the canal has metal sides all the way to the lock from the village of Hure. We soon discover this when we try to turn just before it. There's no way - and the lock is long closed at 7pm.
Just a view of summer life at the Port of Meilhan sur Garonne, taken from Body and Soul, showing our pontoon, our garden, some of the Minervois Cruisers and the Capitainerie in the background.
Faced with this situation and after trying several times to turn without success using the barge pole and with help from the only male guest, Lucie suggests that our guest's dinner will be spoilt if we don't start the first course soon and that we should tie up on the pontoon before the lock and she should start serving it now. Good idea, I say! But any promises we made for a session of romantic piano music during the dinner are now shelved indefinitely as I am heavily engaged in problems of a more pragmatic nature.
not forgetting the rest of the crew who had nothing to complain about
(click on any of the photos to enlarge) 
This is rapidly developing into "Fawlty Towers" on water. "Everything's under control, will passengers kindly return to their seats!" - I could have done with a tannoy system for public announcements.
Whilst our guests settle into their dinner, I take a desperate but quick walk back towards Hure along the bank to examine all possibilities. Surely there must be a hole in the bank somewhere? - there isn't even a kink for at least a quarter of a mile.
I endeavour to make our barge just a couple of feet shorter by removing the stern fender, a strange rope object which protrudes out at the back and protects the rudder from collision damage from the rear. This procedure would normally be carried out in dry dock but, bravely, I hang on to the tiller with one hand and, with the other, manage to undo the shackles with a pair of pliers to release the chains which hold it in place. Bad move! I'd forgotten the other chains which hold it down from underneath the water line.
The fender, now relieved of its upper connections, slips down to entangle itself with the rudder, rendering "Body and Soul" impossible to steer. I am perspiring profusely with the effort and in need of a glass of beer.
At this point, Lucie floats up on deck, to find out how my plans are working. She is looking lovely as ever, dressed for the occasion as "hostess with the mostest". A fine linen tunic and trousers, silver-thong sandals and, of course, her signature silver dangling earrings. With her mass of well groomed hair blowing in a rapidly rising wind she finds it noticeably cooler. But the guests are happy with everything although I detect an element of concern creeping in about the prospect of being stuck at this lock over night. Their laughter grows more hollow by the minute. There is a plane to catch in the morning. But at this point it remains just a ghastly possibility which we cannot even contemplate. Our reputation is clearly on the line. One just couldn't make this up.
I manage to secure the back fender temporarily and, as the ex-leader of the Peewit patrol in the 16th Epping Forest South Troup (Be Prepared!), I lash it with a piece of string to the tiller and am thus able to steer the boat, in a restricted kind of way. There is now absolutely no chance of taking emergency action if called upon on our eventual return journey.
As all barge owners, without bow-thrusters, will be aware, it is impossible to steer a barge in reverse gear using the rudder. Bow thrusters do help considerably but without them one can only steer by firstly establishing as much backward motion as possible and then adjusting the direction of the vessel by going into forward gear and using the rudder "hard-over" which ever way is required. It's a skillful but painfully slow process at the best of times but the alternatives in this case are unthinkable. I discuss my desperate plan with Lucie.
Now our lovely hostess is on the rough canal path, still in full evening wear, with two ropes in her small hands - One from the bow and one from the middle of our barge - her role is to keep us straight against the wind which is blowing us away from the bank, whilst I attempt to reverse and steer astern towards Hure or to the nearest possible turning point that we find. All this is happening in full view of our guests who are finishing their delicious tarte tatin, wondering about their coffee and staring in disbelief into the growing gloom through the saloon windows.
For four hundred yards we slowly edge backwards. The engine revs are noisily going up and down whilst I struggle for control. Lucie's face is a picture and, believe me, she is not smiling. We finally find a niche where the canal will allow us to turn and our nightmare is nearly over. Lucie climbs aboard and is justly rewarded with great cheers from her three guests and we turn around with inches to spare. The wind drops mercifully but it is now dark and we set off for home with all lights ablaze. Our guests finish their coffee on the poop deck with us, straining their eyes at the approaching and dimly lit plane trees, no doubt wondering how I could possibly see anything at all.
If only they knew ...... still, it's never plain sailing y'know - is it?
Postscript
We arrived safely in Port at 11.00pm. and hear from our friends, the proprietors, next day that their (and our) guests were more than pleased with the experience and the superb food on "Body and Soul" and that we should have charged for the excellent entertainment! QED.