Lucie always says that when things go wrong, they happen in sets of three. Of course, as a bit of a nihilist myself, I dismiss this "old wives tale" entirely as superstitious nonsense. But I have to admit to a day of three such nasty events on Monday - we'll call it "Black Monday" - it is all about things that go wrong in boats.
Anyone familiar with the "macerating loo", whether in a house or in a boat, has a hilarious story to tell, and without them, many a dinner party would be all the less for it.
I have experienced eight occasions in our eight years on board Body and Soul, when our "Tecma" macerating loo has given us another grim story to add to an already extensive repertoire.
The problem is always caused by the user who, in one way or another, asks too much of this device with dire consequence.
Wet wipes, sanitary towels, kitchen paper, match sticks, tooth picks, nappies - or simply too much toilet paper - in fact, anything other than human waste can cause havoc to daily life on board.
It is now "Black Monday". The macerator within the loo becomes jammed and my job is to unjam it. We cannot flush. We cancel all other plans for the day.
Firstly, I must clear out what remains un-flushed; Not a pleasant task, requiring the protection of rubber gloves, disinfectants and bleach, together with an ability to turn off ones imagination and ones nose completely - I am happy to have acquired both these skills, as an Hotelier and Licensee, from years of dealing with some of the less attractive aspects of human behaviour.
After unbolting the ceramic pedestal from the floor, disconnecting the electric cable, the water supply and draining pipe, the whole thing is turned up-side-down. There are several jubilee clips and eight bolts to remove. The offending blockage is deep within the motor.
Putting it all back together is an unwelcome addition to this nightmare, caused, in our case, by the ridiculously small hole in the tiles behind the pedestal through which all the pipes and wires must be crammed.
I am terrified that one false move or failure to tighten up a clip or bolt properly, would lead to a leak of sewage into the bilges and leave a permanent smell in our beloved boat for the rest of our retirement. An unthinkable thought!
We remember well the first of these dreaded occasions in our early life on "Body and Soul", which takes me nearly five hours of sweat and toil to put right (with sympathy and help from Lucie who always supplies cups of tea and beer with perfect timing) and with this experience and others that follow, each occasion takes progressively less time and I am now an expert in yet another essential boating skill. If it were not such an unpleasant job, I would make a viable business by offering advice to others - for money.
On "Black Monday" however, the much dreaded loo blockage, being the first of three misfortunes on this day, takes me just fifty (50) minutes to complete the same actions which once took me five hours, six years ago.
I am elated by my success but, such self congratulation is, as often the case, rewarded swiftly with the proverbial "slap in the face with a wet fish" - within minutes of putting all my tools away.
It is the washing machine that packs up next. What the...!
At first glance, I find the machine is full of grey water and is stopped "mid-cycle". It is obviously still electrically connected but nothing I do, by way of twisting knobs and pressing buttons, persuades the program to restart. To force the door open is not an option. Again, I shudder to think of gallons of smelly water irretrievably gushing into the bilges.
Clearly the pump is jammed. How do I get the water out before delving into the pump chamber? This is accessed, as with most machines, through a conduit at the front, just half an inch from the floor.
By way of a test, I tentatively unscrew the plastic plug leading to the offending pump and as expected, water starts leaking out on to the floor. I tighten it again and quickly mop up. I take a pause for a quick cup of tea and rethink. Perhaps a beer or two....?
Then, like the proverbial light bulb turned on in my brain - of course, helped by the cup of tea - I have the answer! Use the "Kartcher" ( the vacuum cleaner and water sucker) - Brilliant!
I convert this great domestic appliance into its water sucking mode and, using its crevice nossle, I return to the plastic plug, gingerly opening it so that the water is released but sucked up by the "Kartcher" at an equal rate. Several gallons later the washing machine is empty, the floor is dry, and I am able to extract the offending plastic object and a coin from the pump.
Bingo! cela marche! All is well !.......... is it hell?
It's the water heater and central heating system that packs up next. I just don't believe it!
This gadget has served us well for over seven years unlike its predecessor which gave us so much trouble, fortunately whilst still under guarantee. The "Erbespacher" is fired by "pink" diesel but also has an electric pump to circulate hot water around radiators and the hot water tank. I observe a tell-tale whisp of smoke and a smell of electrical burning whilst I am trying to restart it. The pump is burnt out and we need a complete replacement.
A quick search on the internet and a new one is ordered from the UK - on line and at great expense (780gbp). It arrives, with full installation instructions, seven days later.
I wish all problems could be solved through the internet. What a different day that might have been!
but it really ain't all plain sailing y'know, is it?
Note: Readers will no doubt have realised that the pictures inserted within the above text have nothing to do with the story itself but, hopefully, do add some indications as to our general well-being since the last posting. For more photos, one can click upon any of the albums listed in the left hand column of this blog.